FascadeĀ 

About a month ago, I thought life had changed for me. Things began to go smoothly. The relationship had reached a state of bliss. It was relaxed. Full of long conversations, laughing, lines crossed that previously would have caused a fight but now would cause a playful punch on the arm and some giggles. 

As I so easily do, I forgot everything. I forgot the arguments, the controlling behaviors, and how everything was a pattern. My divorce was finalized and marriage seemed like a possibility. Why wait to have a baby? I stopped taking birth control. 

About a week ago, we had a bad fight. I went downstairs to sleep with my daughter to let him cool down. He punched me in my back and my head. I called the cops so he threatened to stab himself in the chest. He asked his mother with dementia, “You saw her stab me, didnt you?”— Yes, of course. 

Things died down, later came apologies.

Last night, he had to set up his new phone. He broke up with me because I am an android person that refuses to get an iphone. 

I cried 9 times today. I cant remember over what but each one came with apologies except the last one. The last one, because I wouldn’t delete my daughters preschool pictures off my facebook. This prompted him to change his profile picture to him and two women (some old picture). We were having a normal, steering to the sweet side, conversation and literally mid sentence he got mad about my profile picture that had been up for over a month. He hung up on me so fast that I had to call him back and ask him to repeat himself because I was clueless what I had done. 

His mother, who has dementia, had a very clear moment with me the other day. She told me she thinks he is bipolar. 

I sit here and wonder what kind of woman he would be with. Jealousy makes my throat ache, my stomach feeling like it has a rock in it. I try to tell myself that no matter what woman he eventually ends up with… shes going to see this same behavior eventually. Whether she picks the wrong recipe or maybe 5 years ago she did something that he sporadically gets mad over. Maybe she is like me and puts up with it, driving herself crazy thinking he will change. Or maybe she walks away. Either way, shes not happy and I find that satisfying. 

Or maybe tomorrow morning, with the sun comes an apology. And God please, a negative pregnancy test. 

The grass isn’t greener

When you walk away from a narcisstic marriage, no one says it’s going to be easy. They tell you will struggle. You’ll have trouble finding yourself again. You probably will need therapy because every part of you is damaged. 

I knew it all when I left because I thought about leaving for a long time. I even had a secret board on my Pinterest for Narcissistic Abuse. I knew it all.

I made plans and threw them out the window. I ended up leaving unexpectedly and went into the dark. It was easier than I thought.

But no one told me I’d fall in love with the next level of crazy. I lost my job. I lost everything I had. The pieces of me that were left have been carefully picked up, piece by piece, smashed with a hammer and then set on fire. When you are in love, you share your darkest secrets, your biggest insecurities. When that person is a psychopath, they attack those parts of you. I imagine this relationship on a very steep mountain. I keep getting brought up highers, only to be dropped off the edge of a cliff. He sees that Im still breathing so he drags me up higher the next time.

Today, he made me feel secure. He updated his profile picture on Facebook to us. He changed his relationship status (after being blank for months as a punishment). He promised to help me with our electric bill and a consultation fee with a lawyer for my divorce. But I painted my nails today and wore a tank top. So now all Facebook is being changed again, he’s going to a bar, and he dumped me. I have to be punished. 

Better Man

We had a dream. We wanted to move to a certain place, our own little paradise. He started a job there yesterday. Things were starting to happen.

Before he left, we had a blissful two days. Well, the first night being the exception. My windshield got a big crack in it and my front door got shattered. But other than that, it was perfect.

This morning, I set an alarm so I could call him before he started his first day. He was angry. He couldnt sleep last night so he thought too much… He apologized. 

The day went on. My mom and I were going to dinner. He wanted to know what I was wearing. On a whim, I decided a long maxi dress. We fought. I decided to wear something warmer anyway.

Then I found out my mom had planned on going to a restaurant that had a bar in it. You know, like most restaurants do. Im not allowed to go places like that without him. We got into another fight. My mom came down on me pretty hard. She said my marriage wasn’t even like this. She doesnt understand why I choose to live this way….etc. I stayed in. We video chatted but had to stop for a little while. We were fine when we got off the phone.

For some reason, things started getting stirred up out of no where. Things from a long time ago. Before I met him, I was doing a Christmas show. I paint wine bottle characters and scenes. It’s something I really enjoy and sometimes, I make a little money from it. To prepare for the Christmas show, I needed a lot of bottles so I made a post on Facebook about needing some bottles. A guy responded though I never got around to picking them up. This was at least a month before I met my boyfriend. Because of that, I was told tonight that I’m not allowed to paint wine bottles anymore. 

Today was a roller coaster. Even after the first yelling session, I bounced back and excitedly texted him about how great it’s going to be to live at the beach. 

Ive realized how abnormal my life is. My mom doesn’t have to tell me that. One of the scariest things about breaking up is the idea of him moving on. Why is that? Why does it matter? I realize what a train wreck he is. At almost 50 years old, he’s not going to change. Whatever woman falls as his next victim will get the same treatment. Slowly but surely, her identity will be washed away (if she stays long enough). She won’t do anything without questioning him if it’s ok. Eventually, she won’t ask. She’ll just stay at home. 

As of right now, Im blocked from contacting him in every way. I think he broke up with me again but I couldn’t understand what he said. I know Im supposed to get out of his life and join Jenny Craig. Every time, it gets less painful. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t believe him and think he will call in the morning anyway or if it’s because Im beginning to care less and less. And as I’m typing this, he calls… to tell me what a fat piece of shit I am again. Thats his thing, to call women fat if they make him mad. Sometimes it bothers me. It’s beginning to hurt less too. 

So now, Im going to put on that wonderful, so perfect song, “Better Man”. Kudos to Taylor Swift for writing that one! Im going to let myself cry for the duration of that song. Then Im going to go break one of the rules and watch Grey’s Anatomy because that’s what fat trash like me does. Tomorrow is another day…. 

Peace

Before I hit bottom, I was a Christian but let’s just say I had A LOT of room for growth. Going through all the loss I did put me in a place wanting more. I ended up becoming closer to God.

One night while a sermon was playing, he always listens to sermons before bed, my heart was tugged more than ever and I started praying more. I even read the bible almost every day now.

In the middle of the night two nights ago, I was made to listen to a sermon on lying. Then after, I was made to listen to another. After fighting all day and being emotionally exhausted, I couldn’t help but fall asleep. I dozed at first, got woken up, and then really fell asleep. I was yelled at.

He’s called me a child of the devil over and over since we listened to that sermon. You can’t even comprehend how mentally damaging that is. 

Ive thought about suicide so many times in the last two days. Ive imagined cutting my wrists with my purple knife. 

I feel as if I don’t have a future. I can’t find a job. I don’t want to go through this custody battle. I don’t want my name smeared in court. I don’t want to start over again. I’ve lost everything. I just want peace. 

He changed my name

As we go through life, who we are is reshaped and molded over and over again. First, by our parents. Then by our teachers and peers. We think that eventually we become who we are and that’s it. Some minor adjustments from time to time but still the same recognisable being.

I don’t remember the first time I became remolded in this relationship. Was it the time I had to return the already opened pack of cigarettes to a store because I wasn’t allowed to smoke that brand? Was it the time my radio was smashed because I turned up a song at the end of an argument? The day my tablet got smashed due to pictures on the cloud of me and my ex? Or when my next tablet got smashed because I watched something he didn’t like…? 

Ive been reshaped into something that doesn’t even resemble myself. A woman that is scared to listen to songs because they might stir things up. Scared to wear certain clothes because even if I wear them around the house, my comfy shorts could end up in shreds for being too short. Im ashamed of dancing. I don’t even look people in the eyes anymore. I am careful to laugh at things I find funny, just in case they are thought to be inappropriate. 

My name is now cunt, occasionally bitch/liar/fat ass/low life/trash/worthless/piece of shit. I am not who I used to be. 

The lie

I did it again. I lied.

My daughter and I were sitting out side and a song came on. I showed her a little dance to it and when he asked me if I danced, I said no. My daughter told the truth. 

I shouldn’t have lied but later was told I danced like a whore for men to see. 

That is why I lied. That is why I have become a habitual liar. Im so afraid of consequences. I never lie over major things, only things that shouldn’t even matter. Not that it matters. If you lie about small things, you obviously lie over everything. I know that may be true, normally, but it’s not for me.

Things were so amazing for two days. We laughed. We danced. We had a lot of sex. 

Im in trouble for ignoring a man that flirted with me. I am confused about the rules I have. I don’t know if I’m supposed to ignore men, glare at them, or tell them to go to hell. Apparently, I get hit on because I am a whore and men sense that. 

The last 24 hours have been hell. Every thing that means anything to me is in my car. My cats ashes, my paintings, my lap top, my pictures. During fights, things get held as ransom or even possibly broken, burned or ripped. In my car, it’s safe.  I have new bruises. I didn’t want him to leave and sat on the hood of his car. He took off and flipped it in reverse, causing me to slam into the windshield and it shattered. Maybe Im the crazy one. 

When he left tonight, he left his dog. He said he would be back tomorrow, he didn’t want to be away from me. But now, we are over again…

Part of me is ok with that. This is dangerous. The biggest part of me is dying right now though I have a gut feeling he will come around and tell me we can work this out. 

The truth

Ive been dumped so many times in the last week, there were times I couldn’t remember if we were together or not.

My deepest insecurities that I trusted with the man I love have been thrown in my face more times that I care to remember.

Ive been blocked in every way possible over and over.

When I told the truth, I was accused of lying… so I lied and got in trouble for things I didn’t do.

I cursed out a friend and blocked them on Facebook because I liked their post and he didn’t like what she said.

I have been black mailed, the threat being he would assist and say whatever needed to be said for me to lose in my custody battle.

I have been threatened that he would send naked pictures of me to family. He did send some to my ex husband.

Think of a name. Ive been called it.

My arms have bruises on them but none compare to emotional trauma. 

Ive begun to realize the amount of damage thats been done. It’s not just this but from my marriage. My marriage was so horrible but everything else in my life was on track. I had something to lean on. This time, I have nothing. I feel worthless. I’ve lost hope, I do not have dreams or goals. I hate who I see in the mirror. I do not recognize her anymore. The only time I think Im happy is when he is pleased with me. My world crashes when he isn’t. I think my world stands still more than it moves. 

Every night I wonder if this is it. If this is the final goodbye. Sometimes, I wake up in the morning to a new day… But mostly it’s not. Mostly, I find a new set of rules that I broke. Rules. What kid doesn’t dream of being an adult where you don’t have any rules? 

I had more freedom as a child than I do as an adult. 
Im not allowed to watch certain shows or movies.

Im not allowed to listen to any band that I saw in concert. I used to go to a lot of concerts. Ive seen all my favorite bands. 

Im not allowed to have male friends on social media unless I’m friends with their wives. If they aren’t married, I can’t be their friend.

I’m not allowed to go to restaurants that have bars in them. 

Im not allowed to wear heels when Im not with him. Or dresses. Or short shorts. If he is not here, I have to prove I have underwear on by video chat.

Im not supposed to flat iron my hair if he’s not here.

Im not able to paint my toenails certain colors. Im also not allowed to change it if he’s not around.

I have to make sure I don’t wear makeup too often if hes not here.

Im not allowed to listen to music loudly in my car. It draws attention.

If I accidentally look at a man, there are consequences. 

If a man opens a door for me, I can not say thank you. Any compliments are to be completely ignored. 

Im not allowed to masturbate.

I am supposed to report any physical contact with any person… even a hug from a same sex friend. 

Im not allowed at certain gas stations.

Im not allowed to work at certain places, if there is contact with men.

Im not allowed to sell things to men, such as things Ive posted online. If it is something “manly”, Im not allowed to post it. He has to.
I don’t know how this happens. I don’t know how a person, well aware of how crazy everything sounds, can be begging a person like that to stay.  It’s almost unbelievable. I don’t know how someone can get out of one abusive relationship and hop right in bed with another, like it was her favorite blanket. But, it happens. It’s happening and I don’t know how to stop.