Bad cold. Sleepless nights.
I was jarred from my sleep and saw it was still dim outside, unaware of the rain. Again, I heard a soft knocking on the door. I stumbled to the door and peeped out. I thought it was a police officer, as I’m anxiously waiting to be served with divorce papers. I opened it and my heart sank. I was in trouble.
It was just a man that’s been wanting to buy my small storage building. He’s called my boyfriend about it, finally just stopping by because he wants to go ahead and purchase it as soon as possible. I know he could tell I was nervous. I kept telling him to call my boyfriend.
I got back in bed. My stomach began to turn. I had to make a decision. I could lie and hope the man wouldn’t tell… or I could risk telling I had answered the door and possibly get in trouble.
I texted my boyfriend and said that I needed to talk to him. He asked if it was bad. I honestly said I didn’t think so but I was having anxiety over it. I thought that would help. Look how scared I am over something so silly. Tell me how silly this is. Love me.
He called. I started by telling him how scared I was of being in trouble. I wanted him to know that I wanted to be able to tell the truth, with no repercussions.
He started getting angry. I needed to start from the beginning, leaving no details out. I frantically went over the conversation, finishing with shutting the door. Did I tell him my boyfriend was out of town? Oh no… you’re right. I did. Start from the beginning, cunt. I got more frantic. I got yelled at more. I started sobbing. He didn’t hear the words I was saying. My words have changed and he didn’t even notice. Those tears were for me. When did I become this person? Why is this my life?
I feel like I’ve just realized how damaged I really am. How do I even begin to pick up my pieces?
To the men that have unintentionally caused this week of hell: The man who told me I shouldn’t leave my purse open at the bar. The 70ish year old veteran that I hugged and thanked for his service. The man that stared a little too long, recognizing me from school if I’m not mistaken. I know you didn’t mean to. How could you possibly know?
To the man who made me realize all of this: I hope I can do something with this. I hope I can find strength to walk away. I hope I can keep my promise to myself and seek counseling on Monday.