As we go through life, who we are is reshaped and molded over and over again. First, by our parents. Then by our teachers and peers. We think that eventually we become who we are and that’s it. Some minor adjustments from time to time but still the same recognisable being.
I don’t remember the first time I became remolded in this relationship. Was it the time I had to return the already opened pack of cigarettes to a store because I wasn’t allowed to smoke that brand? Was it the time my radio was smashed because I turned up a song at the end of an argument? The day my tablet got smashed due to pictures on the cloud of me and my ex? Or when my next tablet got smashed because I watched something he didn’t like…?
Ive been reshaped into something that doesn’t even resemble myself. A woman that is scared to listen to songs because they might stir things up. Scared to wear certain clothes because even if I wear them around the house, my comfy shorts could end up in shreds for being too short. Im ashamed of dancing. I don’t even look people in the eyes anymore. I am careful to laugh at things I find funny, just in case they are thought to be inappropriate.
My name is now cunt, occasionally bitch/liar/fat ass/low life/trash/worthless/piece of shit. I am not who I used to be.