Author Archives: goldwhaletale

I’ve made a mistake.

I held on, took a leap of faith, and now I’m in a mess that I don’t know how to get out of. I want to go home.

The day before I went and picked up my children, I even cried to my mom. I didn’t let her know what was going on but I said that I was scared to get the kids because that would make this move more permanent (because then they would start school). I told her my reasons were because I missed being near family. Well, I sucked up my tears and went and picked up my children. They started school on Wednesday. They love their schools. My youngest, mostly because it is finally kindergarten. My oldest, that school is actually really amazing. And now, all I can think about it ripping them out of those schools and taking them back “home”. Home meaning with family because we won’t have an actually home any more. The home I had lived in will be lost soon in bankruptcy. I do not have a job to go back to. My mom lives a “tiny” lifestyle. I don’t know where I would go.

My mom is coming today as a surprise for the kids. She’s not allowed here at the house, I think I covered that in my last entry. When my boyfriend found out she was coming, he threatened again to install cameras in the house to ensure she didn’t come here. I actually think that is why we are fighting. I never bucked him but I think her coming here put him in a bad mood. I didn’t fight back, as I never do with him, I just threatened to leave. I even threatened to go have a drink (dumb move, I know). I tried to apologize this morning and threw in there that we were both being jerks and I was sorry. He said he wasn’t.

He drove up and didn’t even see me. Walked right past me. I had been standing in the driveway watching the bats and a storm in the distance for about 10 minutes, waiting for him as I always do. I didn’t expect anything but a slight hug and kiss but he just walked right in the house. When I tried to talk to him, I had to wait for him to watch a 6 minute video on facebook. He actually told me to wait. I had waited all day for him, what was so important about a viral video of some random person getting arrested? I got fussed at for multiple things. I asked for my headphones because I had decided at that point to disengage, finish watching my movie on my phone. That made him really angry. I was using my charger to charge my phone, which he needed, and wanting my headphones, which he wanted for today.

And just now, as I sit and type this… He’s on his way to work and has just texted me he wants to be alone and isn’t happy. I told him I’d make arrangements today and he said ok. I’m heartbroken. Is it really over? As many times as we’ve threatened to leave each other did we really just break up? Did a year and half of struggle just amount to nothing? Did he really just give up on me?

Or was the right decision just made for me?

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The harder I fail….

I decided to make the drive to bring a different lunch. There was no fork, no napkins, and it tasted “horrible” so that got thrown away too. I think I ended up making it worse than it already was.

I have accused some of these mood swings on steroids multiple times. When he is in a good mood, he will admit that some of his “raging” is because of them but its never towards me. Its always when he gets mad at someone else. On the outside, its hard for me to not show how ridiculous this sounds. Throwing a pizza at the the glass door of a restaurant doesn’t sound any different that a TV ending up in the pond. If one can be recognized as “roid rage”, why can’t the other? And oh how I wish all of this was because of some sort of substance. I wish I knew that if you took steroids out of the picture it would all become normal.

The one and only reason I don’t lose my crap about the steroids is because that was one of the only reasons we were able to have sex. And now that’s not even happening. I don’t even know if we have had actual sex in two months. Maybe I’m confused on how things work but even if we can’t have actual sex, couldn’t we at least be some what intimate?

If I could have the perfect night, I would meet him outside as I always do. He’d kiss me like he always does except this time, he’d actually stop for a second and see me. It wouldn’t be some quick peck. I mean, I probably checked the door 5 times thinking I heard him pull up. I probably looked down the street twice to see if I saw his head lights. I spent all day for this moment.

That is my life every evening except he never does see me. It couldn’t possibly hurt any more than this. To hear how I don’t love him. To hear how I overlook him, how I don’t care about him or don’t think of him.

I’ve never been graceful. I fall a lot. My arms and legs stay bruised because I always misjudge door frames and corners. If I get too excited, I scramble and forget important things. I write everything down in a notebook because I am honest with myself about my flaws. I forget napkins. I sometimes leave the cabinet doors open. I stutter if I’m under too much pressure and I cry easily. But I love hard. And sometimes, because of how I am, the harder I try, the harder I fail.

Walking on Egg Shells

Amazon Prime is one of my lucky pleasures I have. For some reason, though my credit card was null and void, my subscription came through for the year. I’m able to watch movies and download tons of free books that *almost* make me feel like I used to.

I think it was fate that it just so happened “Stop Walking on Eggshells” was featured as a free prime book. The name caught my eye immediately because… that’s my life. I’m half way in and boy, is it REALLY my life.

The book is about BPD (borderline personality disorder). I’m no psychiatrist. I like to think of myself slightly better than your average Joe when it comes to psychiatry, as it was my minor in college. It was accidental as I ended up taking many psych classes to raise my GPA. It came easy for me. I should have taken that as a sign and went with it. Maybe I would have graduated. Easy roads are never my choice. I’ll have to dream of what could have been another day…. Obviously, I get distracted easily. Where was I? I’m pretty sure my boyfriend has BPD.

BPD. Apparently, BPD can be cured. Unlike Narcissism (which unfortunately, a nice percentage of BPD sufferers DO have), people can be aware of this disorder and seek treatment. Of course, that means at some point they have to accept there is something wrong with them. You can love someone with BPD and actually live with them WITHOUT walking on eggshells. I’m only half way through the book so I haven’t figured that part out yet.

As an update, I moved. I moved to the location of my dreams. Its fun going grocery shopping and seeing all the tourists and knowing that I am not here for just a week. I’m happy that I have a home I can be proud of again. The kids start school next week which will make my move more official. Once school starts, I can’t just pack up and leave at the drop of a dime. It scares the crap out of me. Part of me says that if this doesn’t work, this relationship, I could at least put some time in, get a job, get established so I can stay here on my own. Most of me wants this relationship to work, which is why I am still so hopeful. And then mornings like this morning make me want to just run.

I’m not sure where this morning started bad. One minute, I’m begging him to stay in bed and cuddle for just a little bit longer. Insert coffee, sandwich making and BAM! I’m crying with my head in my hands. I was given $20. I won’t be able to go pick up my children with that. I can’t buy the things he knew I needed with that. It was a tease. It was a control game. All because I made sandwiches for his lunch instead of cooking him something. These sandwiches were made with the same meat he personally picked out for sandwiches two weeks ago. I try to mix it up so he wont get tired of anything. Sometimes, making two “dinners” so he won’t even be stuck with left overs. Well, sometimes, life gives you a chicken sandwich. Most people would say “Thank you. I appreciate you making me a sandwich.” Or even “Thank you for my sandwich but I’m not in the mood for sandwiches this week. Can you bring me something around lunch instead?” Not in my house. I got called a bitch. Then a lazy bitch. Then I got texted how much I am a lazy bitch because without him, I wouldn’t have a roof over my head etc. I could have packed something better than 4 pieces of bread. It wasn’t just 4 pieces of bread. I made sure I packed enough water, a soda, a snack, half of a melon…

This all started a huge conversation, of course. My needs are not being met (thank you book). Emotionally, I’m abandoned. Physically, should I even go there right now? I don’t know ANYONE here. I’m isolated. I walk around and look for smudges to scrub because I have nothing to do but clean all day. My children aren’t here because they are spending time with family (though I was supposed to go pick up my daughter today, my son wanted to stay extra days because he’s spending time with friends and family). I literally have nothing to do. I’m scared of going to the beach or the pool. That would mean me having fun while being a lazy bitch and that might have consequences. I will probably sit here the rest of the day and watch Grey’s. Which, I later go and clear my watch activity and then I have to clear my activity on my phone so it doesn’t show that I cleared anything on Netflix… I’m still unsure if I’m allowed to watch Grey’s or not. Ugh.

My mom is losing her house. The one I was staying in. I don’t really have a place to go if I decided to go back. I could take this opportunity and suck it up. Establish myself here and if it never gets any better, I can then get out.

I’m not by any means using him. I WANT this to get better. We had found a rhythm of normalcy for a moment there. This was before the order of steroids got here. Before the transfer of a new job meant late nights and late nights meant alcohol to wind down. In the time we have been together, alcohol has never really been a source of fights, at least not until recently. He even admitted last week that he is experiencing blackouts. Here’s how it happens: Things are great. We are laughing. Maybe listening to music. Then he goes to the bathroom and comes back. You can tell something is off. Then he starts picking. You cheated on your husband. You talked to your husband behind my back. You did such and such when you were 2 years old (ok, slight exaggeration but come on!) Another common one is have I seen any attractive men since I moved here. (SCREECH! Quick story here. I admitted that a bartender was cute and we ran into him one night at another place. He picked a fight with him and we ended up getting banned from that place. The last time I said a movie star was attractive, I was banned from watching my favorite show.) I either try to calm him down, go with it, or there was that one time when I stood up for myself… Then he lays on the couch and goes to sleep. He’ll grab me in the middle of the night and cling to me. The next morning, he remembers we argued but what about? We did that 3 nights in a row and the third night, when I had enough, it ended up with the cops here and a TV in the pond.

Truth is, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t know what to do but I have to decide ASAP. If I want to give this a chance, I have to figure this out today. If not, I need to go back to where I’m from tomorrow. I somehow have to call my mom and tell her that I’m not picking up my daughter as planned today. I’ve thought about telling her I’m having doubts because I’m homesick and I just need one more day to decide. But I don’t want her to think things are off in the relationship (that’s something us non BP do.. we hide our significant other’s behavior). I thought about telling her my car battery is dead. I just got new tires so I can’t have a flat. I don’t like lying, especially to my mother. But I really need one more day. Because once I drive this car out of this driveway and head north, its a permanent decision either way. We are discussing our relationship tonight… And I have to wait this one more day.

FascadeĀ 

About a month ago, I thought life had changed for me. Things began to go smoothly. The relationship had reached a state of bliss. It was relaxed. Full of long conversations, laughing, lines crossed that previously would have caused a fight but now would cause a playful punch on the arm and some giggles. 

As I so easily do, I forgot everything. I forgot the arguments, the controlling behaviors, and how everything was a pattern. My divorce was finalized and marriage seemed like a possibility. Why wait to have a baby? I stopped taking birth control. 

About a week ago, we had a bad fight. I went downstairs to sleep with my daughter to let him cool down. He punched me in my back and my head. I called the cops so he threatened to stab himself in the chest. He asked his mother with dementia, “You saw her stab me, didnt you?”— Yes, of course. 

Things died down, later came apologies.

Last night, he had to set up his new phone. He broke up with me because I am an android person that refuses to get an iphone. 

I cried 9 times today. I cant remember over what but each one came with apologies except the last one. The last one, because I wouldn’t delete my daughters preschool pictures off my facebook. This prompted him to change his profile picture to him and two women (some old picture). We were having a normal, steering to the sweet side, conversation and literally mid sentence he got mad about my profile picture that had been up for over a month. He hung up on me so fast that I had to call him back and ask him to repeat himself because I was clueless what I had done. 

His mother, who has dementia, had a very clear moment with me the other day. She told me she thinks he is bipolar. 

I sit here and wonder what kind of woman he would be with. Jealousy makes my throat ache, my stomach feeling like it has a rock in it. I try to tell myself that no matter what woman he eventually ends up with… shes going to see this same behavior eventually. Whether she picks the wrong recipe or maybe 5 years ago she did something that he sporadically gets mad over. Maybe she is like me and puts up with it, driving herself crazy thinking he will change. Or maybe she walks away. Either way, shes not happy and I find that satisfying. 

Or maybe tomorrow morning, with the sun comes an apology. And God please, a negative pregnancy test. 

The grass isn’t greener

When you walk away from a narcisstic marriage, no one says it’s going to be easy. They tell you will struggle. You’ll have trouble finding yourself again. You probably will need therapy because every part of you is damaged. 

I knew it all when I left because I thought about leaving for a long time. I even had a secret board on my Pinterest for Narcissistic Abuse. I knew it all.

I made plans and threw them out the window. I ended up leaving unexpectedly and went into the dark. It was easier than I thought.

But no one told me I’d fall in love with the next level of crazy. I lost my job. I lost everything I had. The pieces of me that were left have been carefully picked up, piece by piece, smashed with a hammer and then set on fire. When you are in love, you share your darkest secrets, your biggest insecurities. When that person is a psychopath, they attack those parts of you. I imagine this relationship on a very steep mountain. I keep getting brought up highers, only to be dropped off the edge of a cliff. He sees that Im still breathing so he drags me up higher the next time.

Today, he made me feel secure. He updated his profile picture on Facebook to us. He changed his relationship status (after being blank for months as a punishment). He promised to help me with our electric bill and a consultation fee with a lawyer for my divorce. But I painted my nails today and wore a tank top. So now all Facebook is being changed again, he’s going to a bar, and he dumped me. I have to be punished. 

Better Man

We had a dream. We wanted to move to a certain place, our own little paradise. He started a job there yesterday. Things were starting to happen.

Before he left, we had a blissful two days. Well, the first night being the exception. My windshield got a big crack in it and my front door got shattered. But other than that, it was perfect.

This morning, I set an alarm so I could call him before he started his first day. He was angry. He couldnt sleep last night so he thought too much… He apologized. 

The day went on. My mom and I were going to dinner. He wanted to know what I was wearing. On a whim, I decided a long maxi dress. We fought. I decided to wear something warmer anyway.

Then I found out my mom had planned on going to a restaurant that had a bar in it. You know, like most restaurants do. Im not allowed to go places like that without him. We got into another fight. My mom came down on me pretty hard. She said my marriage wasn’t even like this. She doesnt understand why I choose to live this way….etc. I stayed in. We video chatted but had to stop for a little while. We were fine when we got off the phone.

For some reason, things started getting stirred up out of no where. Things from a long time ago. Before I met him, I was doing a Christmas show. I paint wine bottle characters and scenes. It’s something I really enjoy and sometimes, I make a little money from it. To prepare for the Christmas show, I needed a lot of bottles so I made a post on Facebook about needing some bottles. A guy responded though I never got around to picking them up. This was at least a month before I met my boyfriend. Because of that, I was told tonight that I’m not allowed to paint wine bottles anymore. 

Today was a roller coaster. Even after the first yelling session, I bounced back and excitedly texted him about how great it’s going to be to live at the beach. 

Ive realized how abnormal my life is. My mom doesn’t have to tell me that. One of the scariest things about breaking up is the idea of him moving on. Why is that? Why does it matter? I realize what a train wreck he is. At almost 50 years old, he’s not going to change. Whatever woman falls as his next victim will get the same treatment. Slowly but surely, her identity will be washed away (if she stays long enough). She won’t do anything without questioning him if it’s ok. Eventually, she won’t ask. She’ll just stay at home. 

As of right now, Im blocked from contacting him in every way. I think he broke up with me again but I couldn’t understand what he said. I know Im supposed to get out of his life and join Jenny Craig. Every time, it gets less painful. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t believe him and think he will call in the morning anyway or if it’s because Im beginning to care less and less. And as I’m typing this, he calls… to tell me what a fat piece of shit I am again. Thats his thing, to call women fat if they make him mad. Sometimes it bothers me. It’s beginning to hurt less too. 

So now, Im going to put on that wonderful, so perfect song, “Better Man”. Kudos to Taylor Swift for writing that one! Im going to let myself cry for the duration of that song. Then Im going to go break one of the rules and watch Grey’s Anatomy because that’s what fat trash like me does. Tomorrow is another day…. 

Peace

Before I hit bottom, I was a Christian but let’s just say I had A LOT of room for growth. Going through all the loss I did put me in a place wanting more. I ended up becoming closer to God.

One night while a sermon was playing, he always listens to sermons before bed, my heart was tugged more than ever and I started praying more. I even read the bible almost every day now.

In the middle of the night two nights ago, I was made to listen to a sermon on lying. Then after, I was made to listen to another. After fighting all day and being emotionally exhausted, I couldn’t help but fall asleep. I dozed at first, got woken up, and then really fell asleep. I was yelled at.

He’s called me a child of the devil over and over since we listened to that sermon. You can’t even comprehend how mentally damaging that is. 

Ive thought about suicide so many times in the last two days. Ive imagined cutting my wrists with my purple knife. 

I feel as if I don’t have a future. I can’t find a job. I don’t want to go through this custody battle. I don’t want my name smeared in court. I don’t want to start over again. I’ve lost everything. I just want peace.