Category Archives: Love

Fascade 

About a month ago, I thought life had changed for me. Things began to go smoothly. The relationship had reached a state of bliss. It was relaxed. Full of long conversations, laughing, lines crossed that previously would have caused a fight but now would cause a playful punch on the arm and some giggles. 

As I so easily do, I forgot everything. I forgot the arguments, the controlling behaviors, and how everything was a pattern. My divorce was finalized and marriage seemed like a possibility. Why wait to have a baby? I stopped taking birth control. 

About a week ago, we had a bad fight. I went downstairs to sleep with my daughter to let him cool down. He punched me in my back and my head. I called the cops so he threatened to stab himself in the chest. He asked his mother with dementia, “You saw her stab me, didnt you?”— Yes, of course. 

Things died down, later came apologies.

Last night, he had to set up his new phone. He broke up with me because I am an android person that refuses to get an iphone. 

I cried 9 times today. I cant remember over what but each one came with apologies except the last one. The last one, because I wouldn’t delete my daughters preschool pictures off my facebook. This prompted him to change his profile picture to him and two women (some old picture). We were having a normal, steering to the sweet side, conversation and literally mid sentence he got mad about my profile picture that had been up for over a month. He hung up on me so fast that I had to call him back and ask him to repeat himself because I was clueless what I had done. 

His mother, who has dementia, had a very clear moment with me the other day. She told me she thinks he is bipolar. 

I sit here and wonder what kind of woman he would be with. Jealousy makes my throat ache, my stomach feeling like it has a rock in it. I try to tell myself that no matter what woman he eventually ends up with… shes going to see this same behavior eventually. Whether she picks the wrong recipe or maybe 5 years ago she did something that he sporadically gets mad over. Maybe she is like me and puts up with it, driving herself crazy thinking he will change. Or maybe she walks away. Either way, shes not happy and I find that satisfying. 

Or maybe tomorrow morning, with the sun comes an apology. And God please, a negative pregnancy test. 

Better Man

We had a dream. We wanted to move to a certain place, our own little paradise. He started a job there yesterday. Things were starting to happen.

Before he left, we had a blissful two days. Well, the first night being the exception. My windshield got a big crack in it and my front door got shattered. But other than that, it was perfect.

This morning, I set an alarm so I could call him before he started his first day. He was angry. He couldnt sleep last night so he thought too much… He apologized. 

The day went on. My mom and I were going to dinner. He wanted to know what I was wearing. On a whim, I decided a long maxi dress. We fought. I decided to wear something warmer anyway.

Then I found out my mom had planned on going to a restaurant that had a bar in it. You know, like most restaurants do. Im not allowed to go places like that without him. We got into another fight. My mom came down on me pretty hard. She said my marriage wasn’t even like this. She doesnt understand why I choose to live this way….etc. I stayed in. We video chatted but had to stop for a little while. We were fine when we got off the phone.

For some reason, things started getting stirred up out of no where. Things from a long time ago. Before I met him, I was doing a Christmas show. I paint wine bottle characters and scenes. It’s something I really enjoy and sometimes, I make a little money from it. To prepare for the Christmas show, I needed a lot of bottles so I made a post on Facebook about needing some bottles. A guy responded though I never got around to picking them up. This was at least a month before I met my boyfriend. Because of that, I was told tonight that I’m not allowed to paint wine bottles anymore. 

Today was a roller coaster. Even after the first yelling session, I bounced back and excitedly texted him about how great it’s going to be to live at the beach. 

Ive realized how abnormal my life is. My mom doesn’t have to tell me that. One of the scariest things about breaking up is the idea of him moving on. Why is that? Why does it matter? I realize what a train wreck he is. At almost 50 years old, he’s not going to change. Whatever woman falls as his next victim will get the same treatment. Slowly but surely, her identity will be washed away (if she stays long enough). She won’t do anything without questioning him if it’s ok. Eventually, she won’t ask. She’ll just stay at home. 

As of right now, Im blocked from contacting him in every way. I think he broke up with me again but I couldn’t understand what he said. I know Im supposed to get out of his life and join Jenny Craig. Every time, it gets less painful. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t believe him and think he will call in the morning anyway or if it’s because Im beginning to care less and less. And as I’m typing this, he calls… to tell me what a fat piece of shit I am again. Thats his thing, to call women fat if they make him mad. Sometimes it bothers me. It’s beginning to hurt less too. 

So now, Im going to put on that wonderful, so perfect song, “Better Man”. Kudos to Taylor Swift for writing that one! Im going to let myself cry for the duration of that song. Then Im going to go break one of the rules and watch Grey’s Anatomy because that’s what fat trash like me does. Tomorrow is another day…. 

When is enough, enough?

My boyfriend is still out of town. 

After a few days of mental torture, he let up. The last 24 hours were bliss. . . That is, until an hour ago.

I had chosen an old profile picture on Facebook, to replace our picture several days ago. I only had it up for 5 minutes and I changed it back, after his demand. Things were going so smoothly, when he asked for me to add him back tonight, I did. 

I would estimate it took 2 whole minutes before chaos ensued. He demanded I delete every person that had liked the old profile picture. I would be allowed to keep the 2 family members and the one lady that is always so sweet to me. No, not delete. Block. I did 4 of them, as most have already been deleted in the last two years anyway. None of these people were recent likes. These people liked this photo before I even had met my boyfriend. These people are women. (I’m not allowed guy friends on Facebook if they interact with me). 

There I was, cutting up mangoes to freeze for my smoothies and then I was on my knees having a panic attack. My life can change so quickly. He told me to marry him thirty minutes before this happened. I told him that of course I would.

What steps, what mistakes… how did this happen to me? WHY did this happen to me? Why did I fall in love with someone that can treat me like this? And the biggest question of them all: why the hell can’t I walk away?

 I don’t have a job but I do have a home. I live in my mothers house (alone with my children). He moved 90 percent of his things out this week. My mom says that we can do this together. She will even move in with me and help with the kids. 

I blamed assets, sharing a home, children etc on staying with my narcissistic husband for so long. What is it that is making me stay now? At what point will I decide that I’ve had enough? 

6 a.m.

6 a.m. is my favorite.

I set my alarm just a little earlier than necessary. I run out of bed to grab my phone as I hear sleepy mumbling Where are you going? Come back. I dart back in bed and nestle my chin in my favorite spot in the world, the crevice between his two shoulder blades. I slip my arm under his, putting my hand on his chest above his heart. My world is beating underneath my palm. I breathe in his scent and let his short hair tickle my nose, which always makes me smile. I love you, I whisper. He loves me too, at 6 a.m.

This man. This brilliant, beautiful, strong, courageous man that I am madly in love with is all mine, at 6 a.m.

Before I have to share him with the rest of the world, before the weight rests on our shoulders, even before the sun is up… at 6 a.m.

This is how almost every day starts for me. It covers me like a shield though the second I leave his presence, it slowly melts away, after 6 a.m.

I’m not really okay. My life has been drastically changed in the past year. A lot of good changes, excellent in fact, but change none the less. Processes that it took to get me here. My career loss being such a blow that it is taking everything in me to hold my broken pieces together.

See, he is my glue. The very gravity that holds me on this planet. Without him, I’d float off in to darkness. I’ve managed to find happiness, within myself, somehow always. I didn’t need anyone emotionally. I was only half of a person and somehow, finding my other half has made me feel desperately incomplete when I’m not with him, whether it be physically or mentally.

Sometimes, I falter. I’m not perfect. I’m undeserving. I sometimes think I have some sort of dyslexia, a miscommunication from my heart to actions towards him. A voice inside me always screaming as I clumsily stumble through, making mistake after mistake.

I only hope that he sees. Words mean nothing, he says. My actions could never be big enough to show what he would see if only he could see my heart. Maybe one day, at 6 a.m., he’ll see.