Category Archives: Struggle

The lie

I did it again. I lied.

My daughter and I were sitting out side and a song came on. I showed her a little dance to it and when he asked me if I danced, I said no. My daughter told the truth. 

I shouldn’t have lied but later was told I danced like a whore for men to see. 

That is why I lied. That is why I have become a habitual liar. Im so afraid of consequences. I never lie over major things, only things that shouldn’t even matter. Not that it matters. If you lie about small things, you obviously lie over everything. I know that may be true, normally, but it’s not for me.

Things were so amazing for two days. We laughed. We danced. We had a lot of sex. 

Im in trouble for ignoring a man that flirted with me. I am confused about the rules I have. I don’t know if I’m supposed to ignore men, glare at them, or tell them to go to hell. Apparently, I get hit on because I am a whore and men sense that. 

The last 24 hours have been hell. Every thing that means anything to me is in my car. My cats ashes, my paintings, my lap top, my pictures. During fights, things get held as ransom or even possibly broken, burned or ripped. In my car, it’s safe.  I have new bruises. I didn’t want him to leave and sat on the hood of his car. He took off and flipped it in reverse, causing me to slam into the windshield and it shattered. Maybe Im the crazy one. 

When he left tonight, he left his dog. He said he would be back tomorrow, he didn’t want to be away from me. But now, we are over again…

Part of me is ok with that. This is dangerous. The biggest part of me is dying right now though I have a gut feeling he will come around and tell me we can work this out. 

The truth

Ive been dumped so many times in the last week, there were times I couldn’t remember if we were together or not.

My deepest insecurities that I trusted with the man I love have been thrown in my face more times that I care to remember.

Ive been blocked in every way possible over and over.

When I told the truth, I was accused of lying… so I lied and got in trouble for things I didn’t do.

I cursed out a friend and blocked them on Facebook because I liked their post and he didn’t like what she said.

I have been black mailed, the threat being he would assist and say whatever needed to be said for me to lose in my custody battle.

I have been threatened that he would send naked pictures of me to family. He did send some to my ex husband.

Think of a name. Ive been called it.

My arms have bruises on them but none compare to emotional trauma. 

Ive begun to realize the amount of damage thats been done. It’s not just this but from my marriage. My marriage was so horrible but everything else in my life was on track. I had something to lean on. This time, I have nothing. I feel worthless. I’ve lost hope, I do not have dreams or goals. I hate who I see in the mirror. I do not recognize her anymore. The only time I think Im happy is when he is pleased with me. My world crashes when he isn’t. I think my world stands still more than it moves. 

Every night I wonder if this is it. If this is the final goodbye. Sometimes, I wake up in the morning to a new day… But mostly it’s not. Mostly, I find a new set of rules that I broke. Rules. What kid doesn’t dream of being an adult where you don’t have any rules? 

I had more freedom as a child than I do as an adult. 
Im not allowed to watch certain shows or movies.

Im not allowed to listen to any band that I saw in concert. I used to go to a lot of concerts. Ive seen all my favorite bands. 

Im not allowed to have male friends on social media unless I’m friends with their wives. If they aren’t married, I can’t be their friend.

I’m not allowed to go to restaurants that have bars in them. 

Im not allowed to wear heels when Im not with him. Or dresses. Or short shorts. If he is not here, I have to prove I have underwear on by video chat.

Im not supposed to flat iron my hair if he’s not here.

Im not able to paint my toenails certain colors. Im also not allowed to change it if he’s not around.

I have to make sure I don’t wear makeup too often if hes not here.

Im not allowed to listen to music loudly in my car. It draws attention.

If I accidentally look at a man, there are consequences. 

If a man opens a door for me, I can not say thank you. Any compliments are to be completely ignored. 

Im not allowed to masturbate.

I am supposed to report any physical contact with any person… even a hug from a same sex friend. 

Im not allowed at certain gas stations.

Im not allowed to work at certain places, if there is contact with men.

Im not allowed to sell things to men, such as things Ive posted online. If it is something “manly”, Im not allowed to post it. He has to.
I don’t know how this happens. I don’t know how a person, well aware of how crazy everything sounds, can be begging a person like that to stay.  It’s almost unbelievable. I don’t know how someone can get out of one abusive relationship and hop right in bed with another, like it was her favorite blanket. But, it happens. It’s happening and I don’t know how to stop. 

When is enough, enough?

My boyfriend is still out of town. 

After a few days of mental torture, he let up. The last 24 hours were bliss. . . That is, until an hour ago.

I had chosen an old profile picture on Facebook, to replace our picture several days ago. I only had it up for 5 minutes and I changed it back, after his demand. Things were going so smoothly, when he asked for me to add him back tonight, I did. 

I would estimate it took 2 whole minutes before chaos ensued. He demanded I delete every person that had liked the old profile picture. I would be allowed to keep the 2 family members and the one lady that is always so sweet to me. No, not delete. Block. I did 4 of them, as most have already been deleted in the last two years anyway. None of these people were recent likes. These people liked this photo before I even had met my boyfriend. These people are women. (I’m not allowed guy friends on Facebook if they interact with me). 

There I was, cutting up mangoes to freeze for my smoothies and then I was on my knees having a panic attack. My life can change so quickly. He told me to marry him thirty minutes before this happened. I told him that of course I would.

What steps, what mistakes… how did this happen to me? WHY did this happen to me? Why did I fall in love with someone that can treat me like this? And the biggest question of them all: why the hell can’t I walk away?

 I don’t have a job but I do have a home. I live in my mothers house (alone with my children). He moved 90 percent of his things out this week. My mom says that we can do this together. She will even move in with me and help with the kids. 

I blamed assets, sharing a home, children etc on staying with my narcissistic husband for so long. What is it that is making me stay now? At what point will I decide that I’ve had enough? 

So… It’s come to this.¬†

Bad cold. Sleepless nights.

I was jarred from my sleep and saw it was still dim outside, unaware of the rain. Again, I heard a soft knocking on the door. I stumbled to the door and peeped out. I thought it was a police officer, as I’m anxiously waiting to be served with divorce papers. I opened it and my heart sank. I was in trouble. 

It was just a man that’s been wanting to buy my small storage building. He’s called my boyfriend about it, finally just stopping by because he wants to go ahead and purchase it as soon as possible. I know he could tell I was nervous. I kept telling him to call my boyfriend. 

I got back in bed. My stomach began to turn. I had to make a decision. I could lie and hope the man wouldn’t tell… or I could risk telling I had answered the door and possibly get in trouble.

I texted my boyfriend and said that I needed to talk to him. He asked if it was bad. I honestly said I didn’t think so but I was having anxiety over it. I thought that would help. Look how scared I am over something so silly. Tell me how silly this is. Love me.

He called. I started by telling him how scared I was of being in trouble. I wanted him to know that I wanted to be able to tell the truth, with no repercussions.

He started getting angry. I needed to start from the beginning, leaving no details out. I frantically went over the conversation, finishing with shutting the door. Did I tell him my boyfriend was out of town? Oh no… you’re right. I did. Start from the beginning, cunt.  I got more frantic. I got yelled at more. I started sobbing. He didn’t hear the words I was saying. My words have changed and he didn’t even notice. Those tears were for me. When did I become this person? Why is this my life? 

I feel like I’ve just realized how damaged I really am. How do I even begin to pick up my pieces? 

To the men that have unintentionally caused this week of hell: The man who told me I shouldn’t leave my purse open at the bar. The 70ish year old veteran that I hugged and thanked for his service. The man that stared a little too long, recognizing me from school if I’m not mistaken. I know you didn’t mean to. How could you possibly know?

To the man who made me realize all of this: I hope I can do something with this. I hope I can find strength to walk away. I hope I can keep my promise to myself and seek counseling on Monday.