Category Archives: Uncategorized

The truth

Ive been dumped so many times in the last week, there were times I couldn’t remember if we were together or not.

My deepest insecurities that I trusted with the man I love have been thrown in my face more times that I care to remember.

Ive been blocked in every way possible over and over.

When I told the truth, I was accused of lying… so I lied and got in trouble for things I didn’t do.

I cursed out a friend and blocked them on Facebook because I liked their post and he didn’t like what she said.

I have been black mailed, the threat being he would assist and say whatever needed to be said for me to lose in my custody battle.

I have been threatened that he would send naked pictures of me to family. He did send some to my ex husband.

Think of a name. Ive been called it.

My arms have bruises on them but none compare to emotional trauma. 

Ive begun to realize the amount of damage thats been done. It’s not just this but from my marriage. My marriage was so horrible but everything else in my life was on track. I had something to lean on. This time, I have nothing. I feel worthless. I’ve lost hope, I do not have dreams or goals. I hate who I see in the mirror. I do not recognize her anymore. The only time I think Im happy is when he is pleased with me. My world crashes when he isn’t. I think my world stands still more than it moves. 

Every night I wonder if this is it. If this is the final goodbye. Sometimes, I wake up in the morning to a new day… But mostly it’s not. Mostly, I find a new set of rules that I broke. Rules. What kid doesn’t dream of being an adult where you don’t have any rules? 

I had more freedom as a child than I do as an adult. 
Im not allowed to watch certain shows or movies.

Im not allowed to listen to any band that I saw in concert. I used to go to a lot of concerts. Ive seen all my favorite bands. 

Im not allowed to have male friends on social media unless I’m friends with their wives. If they aren’t married, I can’t be their friend.

I’m not allowed to go to restaurants that have bars in them. 

Im not allowed to wear heels when Im not with him. Or dresses. Or short shorts. If he is not here, I have to prove I have underwear on by video chat.

Im not supposed to flat iron my hair if he’s not here.

Im not able to paint my toenails certain colors. Im also not allowed to change it if he’s not around.

I have to make sure I don’t wear makeup too often if hes not here.

Im not allowed to listen to music loudly in my car. It draws attention.

If I accidentally look at a man, there are consequences. 

If a man opens a door for me, I can not say thank you. Any compliments are to be completely ignored. 

Im not allowed to masturbate.

I am supposed to report any physical contact with any person… even a hug from a same sex friend. 

Im not allowed at certain gas stations.

Im not allowed to work at certain places, if there is contact with men.

Im not allowed to sell things to men, such as things Ive posted online. If it is something “manly”, Im not allowed to post it. He has to.
I don’t know how this happens. I don’t know how a person, well aware of how crazy everything sounds, can be begging a person like that to stay.  It’s almost unbelievable. I don’t know how someone can get out of one abusive relationship and hop right in bed with another, like it was her favorite blanket. But, it happens. It’s happening and I don’t know how to stop. 

6 a.m.

6 a.m. is my favorite.

I set my alarm just a little earlier than necessary. I run out of bed to grab my phone as I hear sleepy mumbling Where are you going? Come back. I dart back in bed and nestle my chin in my favorite spot in the world, the crevice between his two shoulder blades. I slip my arm under his, putting my hand on his chest above his heart. My world is beating underneath my palm. I breathe in his scent and let his short hair tickle my nose, which always makes me smile. I love you, I whisper. He loves me too, at 6 a.m.

This man. This brilliant, beautiful, strong, courageous man that I am madly in love with is all mine, at 6 a.m.

Before I have to share him with the rest of the world, before the weight rests on our shoulders, even before the sun is up… at 6 a.m.

This is how almost every day starts for me. It covers me like a shield though the second I leave his presence, it slowly melts away, after 6 a.m.

I’m not really okay. My life has been drastically changed in the past year. A lot of good changes, excellent in fact, but change none the less. Processes that it took to get me here. My career loss being such a blow that it is taking everything in me to hold my broken pieces together.

See, he is my glue. The very gravity that holds me on this planet. Without him, I’d float off in to darkness. I’ve managed to find happiness, within myself, somehow always. I didn’t need anyone emotionally. I was only half of a person and somehow, finding my other half has made me feel desperately incomplete when I’m not with him, whether it be physically or mentally.

Sometimes, I falter. I’m not perfect. I’m undeserving. I sometimes think I have some sort of dyslexia, a miscommunication from my heart to actions towards him. A voice inside me always screaming as I clumsily stumble through, making mistake after mistake.

I only hope that he sees. Words mean nothing, he says. My actions could never be big enough to show what he would see if only he could see my heart. Maybe one day, at 6 a.m., he’ll see.