I’ve made a mistake.
I held on, took a leap of faith, and now I’m in a mess that I don’t know how to get out of. I want to go home.
The day before I went and picked up my children, I even cried to my mom. I didn’t let her know what was going on but I said that I was scared to get the kids because that would make this move more permanent (because then they would start school). I told her my reasons were because I missed being near family. Well, I sucked up my tears and went and picked up my children. They started school on Wednesday. They love their schools. My youngest, mostly because it is finally kindergarten. My oldest, that school is actually really amazing. And now, all I can think about it ripping them out of those schools and taking them back “home”. Home meaning with family because we won’t have an actually home any more. The home I had lived in will be lost soon in bankruptcy. I do not have a job to go back to. My mom lives a “tiny” lifestyle. I don’t know where I would go.
My mom is coming today as a surprise for the kids. She’s not allowed here at the house, I think I covered that in my last entry. When my boyfriend found out she was coming, he threatened again to install cameras in the house to ensure she didn’t come here. I actually think that is why we are fighting. I never bucked him but I think her coming here put him in a bad mood. I didn’t fight back, as I never do with him, I just threatened to leave. I even threatened to go have a drink (dumb move, I know). I tried to apologize this morning and threw in there that we were both being jerks and I was sorry. He said he wasn’t.
He drove up and didn’t even see me. Walked right past me. I had been standing in the driveway watching the bats and a storm in the distance for about 10 minutes, waiting for him as I always do. I didn’t expect anything but a slight hug and kiss but he just walked right in the house. When I tried to talk to him, I had to wait for him to watch a 6 minute video on facebook. He actually told me to wait. I had waited all day for him, what was so important about a viral video of some random person getting arrested? I got fussed at for multiple things. I asked for my headphones because I had decided at that point to disengage, finish watching my movie on my phone. That made him really angry. I was using my charger to charge my phone, which he needed, and wanting my headphones, which he wanted for today.
And just now, as I sit and type this… He’s on his way to work and has just texted me he wants to be alone and isn’t happy. I told him I’d make arrangements today and he said ok. I’m heartbroken. Is it really over? As many times as we’ve threatened to leave each other did we really just break up? Did a year and half of struggle just amount to nothing? Did he really just give up on me?
Or was the right decision just made for me?