Tag Archives: abuse mental narcissism

Peace

Before I hit bottom, I was a Christian but let’s just say I had A LOT of room for growth. Going through all the loss I did put me in a place wanting more. I ended up becoming closer to God.

One night while a sermon was playing, he always listens to sermons before bed, my heart was tugged more than ever and I started praying more. I even read the bible almost every day now.

In the middle of the night two nights ago, I was made to listen to a sermon on lying. Then after, I was made to listen to another. After fighting all day and being emotionally exhausted, I couldn’t help but fall asleep. I dozed at first, got woken up, and then really fell asleep. I was yelled at.

He’s called me a child of the devil over and over since we listened to that sermon. You can’t even comprehend how mentally damaging that is. 

Ive thought about suicide so many times in the last two days. Ive imagined cutting my wrists with my purple knife. 

I feel as if I don’t have a future. I can’t find a job. I don’t want to go through this custody battle. I don’t want my name smeared in court. I don’t want to start over again. I’ve lost everything. I just want peace. 

He changed my name

As we go through life, who we are is reshaped and molded over and over again. First, by our parents. Then by our teachers and peers. We think that eventually we become who we are and that’s it. Some minor adjustments from time to time but still the same recognisable being.

I don’t remember the first time I became remolded in this relationship. Was it the time I had to return the already opened pack of cigarettes to a store because I wasn’t allowed to smoke that brand? Was it the time my radio was smashed because I turned up a song at the end of an argument? The day my tablet got smashed due to pictures on the cloud of me and my ex? Or when my next tablet got smashed because I watched something he didn’t like…? 

Ive been reshaped into something that doesn’t even resemble myself. A woman that is scared to listen to songs because they might stir things up. Scared to wear certain clothes because even if I wear them around the house, my comfy shorts could end up in shreds for being too short. Im ashamed of dancing. I don’t even look people in the eyes anymore. I am careful to laugh at things I find funny, just in case they are thought to be inappropriate. 

My name is now cunt, occasionally bitch/liar/fat ass/low life/trash/worthless/piece of shit. I am not who I used to be.