Tag Archives: dating

FascadeĀ 

About a month ago, I thought life had changed for me. Things began to go smoothly. The relationship had reached a state of bliss. It was relaxed. Full of long conversations, laughing, lines crossed that previously would have caused a fight but now would cause a playful punch on the arm and some giggles. 

As I so easily do, I forgot everything. I forgot the arguments, the controlling behaviors, and how everything was a pattern. My divorce was finalized and marriage seemed like a possibility. Why wait to have a baby? I stopped taking birth control. 

About a week ago, we had a bad fight. I went downstairs to sleep with my daughter to let him cool down. He punched me in my back and my head. I called the cops so he threatened to stab himself in the chest. He asked his mother with dementia, “You saw her stab me, didnt you?”— Yes, of course. 

Things died down, later came apologies.

Last night, he had to set up his new phone. He broke up with me because I am an android person that refuses to get an iphone. 

I cried 9 times today. I cant remember over what but each one came with apologies except the last one. The last one, because I wouldn’t delete my daughters preschool pictures off my facebook. This prompted him to change his profile picture to him and two women (some old picture). We were having a normal, steering to the sweet side, conversation and literally mid sentence he got mad about my profile picture that had been up for over a month. He hung up on me so fast that I had to call him back and ask him to repeat himself because I was clueless what I had done. 

His mother, who has dementia, had a very clear moment with me the other day. She told me she thinks he is bipolar. 

I sit here and wonder what kind of woman he would be with. Jealousy makes my throat ache, my stomach feeling like it has a rock in it. I try to tell myself that no matter what woman he eventually ends up with… shes going to see this same behavior eventually. Whether she picks the wrong recipe or maybe 5 years ago she did something that he sporadically gets mad over. Maybe she is like me and puts up with it, driving herself crazy thinking he will change. Or maybe she walks away. Either way, shes not happy and I find that satisfying. 

Or maybe tomorrow morning, with the sun comes an apology. And God please, a negative pregnancy test. 

He changed my name

As we go through life, who we are is reshaped and molded over and over again. First, by our parents. Then by our teachers and peers. We think that eventually we become who we are and that’s it. Some minor adjustments from time to time but still the same recognisable being.

I don’t remember the first time I became remolded in this relationship. Was it the time I had to return the already opened pack of cigarettes to a store because I wasn’t allowed to smoke that brand? Was it the time my radio was smashed because I turned up a song at the end of an argument? The day my tablet got smashed due to pictures on the cloud of me and my ex? Or when my next tablet got smashed because I watched something he didn’t like…? 

Ive been reshaped into something that doesn’t even resemble myself. A woman that is scared to listen to songs because they might stir things up. Scared to wear certain clothes because even if I wear them around the house, my comfy shorts could end up in shreds for being too short. Im ashamed of dancing. I don’t even look people in the eyes anymore. I am careful to laugh at things I find funny, just in case they are thought to be inappropriate. 

My name is now cunt, occasionally bitch/liar/fat ass/low life/trash/worthless/piece of shit. I am not who I used to be.