Tag Archives: relationships

Fascade 

About a month ago, I thought life had changed for me. Things began to go smoothly. The relationship had reached a state of bliss. It was relaxed. Full of long conversations, laughing, lines crossed that previously would have caused a fight but now would cause a playful punch on the arm and some giggles. 

As I so easily do, I forgot everything. I forgot the arguments, the controlling behaviors, and how everything was a pattern. My divorce was finalized and marriage seemed like a possibility. Why wait to have a baby? I stopped taking birth control. 

About a week ago, we had a bad fight. I went downstairs to sleep with my daughter to let him cool down. He punched me in my back and my head. I called the cops so he threatened to stab himself in the chest. He asked his mother with dementia, “You saw her stab me, didnt you?”— Yes, of course. 

Things died down, later came apologies.

Last night, he had to set up his new phone. He broke up with me because I am an android person that refuses to get an iphone. 

I cried 9 times today. I cant remember over what but each one came with apologies except the last one. The last one, because I wouldn’t delete my daughters preschool pictures off my facebook. This prompted him to change his profile picture to him and two women (some old picture). We were having a normal, steering to the sweet side, conversation and literally mid sentence he got mad about my profile picture that had been up for over a month. He hung up on me so fast that I had to call him back and ask him to repeat himself because I was clueless what I had done. 

His mother, who has dementia, had a very clear moment with me the other day. She told me she thinks he is bipolar. 

I sit here and wonder what kind of woman he would be with. Jealousy makes my throat ache, my stomach feeling like it has a rock in it. I try to tell myself that no matter what woman he eventually ends up with… shes going to see this same behavior eventually. Whether she picks the wrong recipe or maybe 5 years ago she did something that he sporadically gets mad over. Maybe she is like me and puts up with it, driving herself crazy thinking he will change. Or maybe she walks away. Either way, shes not happy and I find that satisfying. 

Or maybe tomorrow morning, with the sun comes an apology. And God please, a negative pregnancy test. 

The lie

I did it again. I lied.

My daughter and I were sitting out side and a song came on. I showed her a little dance to it and when he asked me if I danced, I said no. My daughter told the truth. 

I shouldn’t have lied but later was told I danced like a whore for men to see. 

That is why I lied. That is why I have become a habitual liar. Im so afraid of consequences. I never lie over major things, only things that shouldn’t even matter. Not that it matters. If you lie about small things, you obviously lie over everything. I know that may be true, normally, but it’s not for me.

Things were so amazing for two days. We laughed. We danced. We had a lot of sex. 

Im in trouble for ignoring a man that flirted with me. I am confused about the rules I have. I don’t know if I’m supposed to ignore men, glare at them, or tell them to go to hell. Apparently, I get hit on because I am a whore and men sense that. 

The last 24 hours have been hell. Every thing that means anything to me is in my car. My cats ashes, my paintings, my lap top, my pictures. During fights, things get held as ransom or even possibly broken, burned or ripped. In my car, it’s safe.  I have new bruises. I didn’t want him to leave and sat on the hood of his car. He took off and flipped it in reverse, causing me to slam into the windshield and it shattered. Maybe Im the crazy one. 

When he left tonight, he left his dog. He said he would be back tomorrow, he didn’t want to be away from me. But now, we are over again…

Part of me is ok with that. This is dangerous. The biggest part of me is dying right now though I have a gut feeling he will come around and tell me we can work this out. 

So… It’s come to this.¬†

Bad cold. Sleepless nights.

I was jarred from my sleep and saw it was still dim outside, unaware of the rain. Again, I heard a soft knocking on the door. I stumbled to the door and peeped out. I thought it was a police officer, as I’m anxiously waiting to be served with divorce papers. I opened it and my heart sank. I was in trouble. 

It was just a man that’s been wanting to buy my small storage building. He’s called my boyfriend about it, finally just stopping by because he wants to go ahead and purchase it as soon as possible. I know he could tell I was nervous. I kept telling him to call my boyfriend. 

I got back in bed. My stomach began to turn. I had to make a decision. I could lie and hope the man wouldn’t tell… or I could risk telling I had answered the door and possibly get in trouble.

I texted my boyfriend and said that I needed to talk to him. He asked if it was bad. I honestly said I didn’t think so but I was having anxiety over it. I thought that would help. Look how scared I am over something so silly. Tell me how silly this is. Love me.

He called. I started by telling him how scared I was of being in trouble. I wanted him to know that I wanted to be able to tell the truth, with no repercussions.

He started getting angry. I needed to start from the beginning, leaving no details out. I frantically went over the conversation, finishing with shutting the door. Did I tell him my boyfriend was out of town? Oh no… you’re right. I did. Start from the beginning, cunt.  I got more frantic. I got yelled at more. I started sobbing. He didn’t hear the words I was saying. My words have changed and he didn’t even notice. Those tears were for me. When did I become this person? Why is this my life? 

I feel like I’ve just realized how damaged I really am. How do I even begin to pick up my pieces? 

To the men that have unintentionally caused this week of hell: The man who told me I shouldn’t leave my purse open at the bar. The 70ish year old veteran that I hugged and thanked for his service. The man that stared a little too long, recognizing me from school if I’m not mistaken. I know you didn’t mean to. How could you possibly know?

To the man who made me realize all of this: I hope I can do something with this. I hope I can find strength to walk away. I hope I can keep my promise to myself and seek counseling on Monday.