Tag Archives: relationships

Walking on Egg Shells

Amazon Prime is one of my lucky pleasures I have. For some reason, though my credit card was null and void, my subscription came through for the year. I’m able to watch movies and download tons of free books that *almost* make me feel like I used to.

I think it was fate that it just so happened “Stop Walking on Eggshells” was featured as a free prime book. The name caught my eye immediately because… that’s my life. I’m half way in and boy, is it REALLY my life.

The book is about BPD (borderline personality disorder). I’m no psychiatrist. I like to think of myself slightly better than your average Joe when it comes to psychiatry, as it was my minor in college. It was accidental as I ended up taking many psych classes to raise my GPA. It came easy for me. I should have taken that as a sign and went with it. Maybe I would have graduated. Easy roads are never my choice. I’ll have to dream of what could have been another day…. Obviously, I get distracted easily. Where was I? I’m pretty sure my boyfriend has BPD.

BPD. Apparently, BPD can be cured. Unlike Narcissism (which unfortunately, a nice percentage of BPD sufferers DO have), people can be aware of this disorder and seek treatment. Of course, that means at some point they have to accept there is something wrong with them. You can love someone with BPD and actually live with them WITHOUT walking on eggshells. I’m only half way through the book so I haven’t figured that part out yet.

As an update, I moved. I moved to the location of my dreams. Its fun going grocery shopping and seeing all the tourists and knowing that I am not here for just a week. I’m happy that I have a home I can be proud of again. The kids start school next week which will make my move more official. Once school starts, I can’t just pack up and leave at the drop of a dime. It scares the crap out of me. Part of me says that if this doesn’t work, this relationship, I could at least put some time in, get a job, get established so I can stay here on my own. Most of me wants this relationship to work, which is why I am still so hopeful. And then mornings like this morning make me want to just run.

I’m not sure where this morning started bad. One minute, I’m begging him to stay in bed and cuddle for just a little bit longer. Insert coffee, sandwich making and BAM! I’m crying with my head in my hands. I was given $20. I won’t be able to go pick up my children with that. I can’t buy the things he knew I needed with that. It was a tease. It was a control game. All because I made sandwiches for his lunch instead of cooking him something. These sandwiches were made with the same meat he personally picked out for sandwiches two weeks ago. I try to mix it up so he wont get tired of anything. Sometimes, making two “dinners” so he won’t even be stuck with left overs. Well, sometimes, life gives you a chicken sandwich. Most people would say “Thank you. I appreciate you making me a sandwich.” Or even “Thank you for my sandwich but I’m not in the mood for sandwiches this week. Can you bring me something around lunch instead?” Not in my house. I got called a bitch. Then a lazy bitch. Then I got texted how much I am a lazy bitch because without him, I wouldn’t have a roof over my head etc. I could have packed something better than 4 pieces of bread. It wasn’t just 4 pieces of bread. I made sure I packed enough water, a soda, a snack, half of a melon…

This all started a huge conversation, of course. My needs are not being met (thank you book). Emotionally, I’m abandoned. Physically, should I even go there right now? I don’t know ANYONE here. I’m isolated. I walk around and look for smudges to scrub because I have nothing to do but clean all day. My children aren’t here because they are spending time with family (though I was supposed to go pick up my daughter today, my son wanted to stay extra days because he’s spending time with friends and family). I literally have nothing to do. I’m scared of going to the beach or the pool. That would mean me having fun while being a lazy bitch and that might have consequences. I will probably sit here the rest of the day and watch Grey’s. Which, I later go and clear my watch activity and then I have to clear my activity on my phone so it doesn’t show that I cleared anything on Netflix… I’m still unsure if I’m allowed to watch Grey’s or not. Ugh.

My mom is losing her house. The one I was staying in. I don’t really have a place to go if I decided to go back. I could take this opportunity and suck it up. Establish myself here and if it never gets any better, I can then get out.

I’m not by any means using him. I WANT this to get better. We had found a rhythm of normalcy for a moment there. This was before the order of steroids got here. Before the transfer of a new job meant late nights and late nights meant alcohol to wind down. In the time we have been together, alcohol has never really been a source of fights, at least not until recently. He even admitted last week that he is experiencing blackouts. Here’s how it happens: Things are great. We are laughing. Maybe listening to music. Then he goes to the bathroom and comes back. You can tell something is off. Then he starts picking. You cheated on your husband. You talked to your husband behind my back. You did such and such when you were 2 years old (ok, slight exaggeration but come on!) Another common one is have I seen any attractive men since I moved here. (SCREECH! Quick story here. I admitted that a bartender was cute and we ran into him one night at another place. He picked a fight with him and we ended up getting banned from that place. The last time I said a movie star was attractive, I was banned from watching my favorite show.) I either try to calm him down, go with it, or there was that one time when I stood up for myself… Then he lays on the couch and goes to sleep. He’ll grab me in the middle of the night and cling to me. The next morning, he remembers we argued but what about? We did that 3 nights in a row and the third night, when I had enough, it ended up with the cops here and a TV in the pond.

Truth is, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t know what to do but I have to decide ASAP. If I want to give this a chance, I have to figure this out today. If not, I need to go back to where I’m from tomorrow. I somehow have to call my mom and tell her that I’m not picking up my daughter as planned today. I’ve thought about telling her I’m having doubts because I’m homesick and I just need one more day to decide. But I don’t want her to think things are off in the relationship (that’s something us non BP do.. we hide our significant other’s behavior). I thought about telling her my car battery is dead. I just got new tires so I can’t have a flat. I don’t like lying, especially to my mother. But I really need one more day. Because once I drive this car out of this driveway and head north, its a permanent decision either way. We are discussing our relationship tonight… And I have to wait this one more day.

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Fascade 

About a month ago, I thought life had changed for me. Things began to go smoothly. The relationship had reached a state of bliss. It was relaxed. Full of long conversations, laughing, lines crossed that previously would have caused a fight but now would cause a playful punch on the arm and some giggles. 

As I so easily do, I forgot everything. I forgot the arguments, the controlling behaviors, and how everything was a pattern. My divorce was finalized and marriage seemed like a possibility. Why wait to have a baby? I stopped taking birth control. 

About a week ago, we had a bad fight. I went downstairs to sleep with my daughter to let him cool down. He punched me in my back and my head. I called the cops so he threatened to stab himself in the chest. He asked his mother with dementia, “You saw her stab me, didnt you?”— Yes, of course. 

Things died down, later came apologies.

Last night, he had to set up his new phone. He broke up with me because I am an android person that refuses to get an iphone. 

I cried 9 times today. I cant remember over what but each one came with apologies except the last one. The last one, because I wouldn’t delete my daughters preschool pictures off my facebook. This prompted him to change his profile picture to him and two women (some old picture). We were having a normal, steering to the sweet side, conversation and literally mid sentence he got mad about my profile picture that had been up for over a month. He hung up on me so fast that I had to call him back and ask him to repeat himself because I was clueless what I had done. 

His mother, who has dementia, had a very clear moment with me the other day. She told me she thinks he is bipolar. 

I sit here and wonder what kind of woman he would be with. Jealousy makes my throat ache, my stomach feeling like it has a rock in it. I try to tell myself that no matter what woman he eventually ends up with… shes going to see this same behavior eventually. Whether she picks the wrong recipe or maybe 5 years ago she did something that he sporadically gets mad over. Maybe she is like me and puts up with it, driving herself crazy thinking he will change. Or maybe she walks away. Either way, shes not happy and I find that satisfying. 

Or maybe tomorrow morning, with the sun comes an apology. And God please, a negative pregnancy test. 

The lie

I did it again. I lied.

My daughter and I were sitting out side and a song came on. I showed her a little dance to it and when he asked me if I danced, I said no. My daughter told the truth. 

I shouldn’t have lied but later was told I danced like a whore for men to see. 

That is why I lied. That is why I have become a habitual liar. Im so afraid of consequences. I never lie over major things, only things that shouldn’t even matter. Not that it matters. If you lie about small things, you obviously lie over everything. I know that may be true, normally, but it’s not for me.

Things were so amazing for two days. We laughed. We danced. We had a lot of sex. 

Im in trouble for ignoring a man that flirted with me. I am confused about the rules I have. I don’t know if I’m supposed to ignore men, glare at them, or tell them to go to hell. Apparently, I get hit on because I am a whore and men sense that. 

The last 24 hours have been hell. Every thing that means anything to me is in my car. My cats ashes, my paintings, my lap top, my pictures. During fights, things get held as ransom or even possibly broken, burned or ripped. In my car, it’s safe.  I have new bruises. I didn’t want him to leave and sat on the hood of his car. He took off and flipped it in reverse, causing me to slam into the windshield and it shattered. Maybe Im the crazy one. 

When he left tonight, he left his dog. He said he would be back tomorrow, he didn’t want to be away from me. But now, we are over again…

Part of me is ok with that. This is dangerous. The biggest part of me is dying right now though I have a gut feeling he will come around and tell me we can work this out. 

So… It’s come to this.¬†

Bad cold. Sleepless nights.

I was jarred from my sleep and saw it was still dim outside, unaware of the rain. Again, I heard a soft knocking on the door. I stumbled to the door and peeped out. I thought it was a police officer, as I’m anxiously waiting to be served with divorce papers. I opened it and my heart sank. I was in trouble. 

It was just a man that’s been wanting to buy my small storage building. He’s called my boyfriend about it, finally just stopping by because he wants to go ahead and purchase it as soon as possible. I know he could tell I was nervous. I kept telling him to call my boyfriend. 

I got back in bed. My stomach began to turn. I had to make a decision. I could lie and hope the man wouldn’t tell… or I could risk telling I had answered the door and possibly get in trouble.

I texted my boyfriend and said that I needed to talk to him. He asked if it was bad. I honestly said I didn’t think so but I was having anxiety over it. I thought that would help. Look how scared I am over something so silly. Tell me how silly this is. Love me.

He called. I started by telling him how scared I was of being in trouble. I wanted him to know that I wanted to be able to tell the truth, with no repercussions.

He started getting angry. I needed to start from the beginning, leaving no details out. I frantically went over the conversation, finishing with shutting the door. Did I tell him my boyfriend was out of town? Oh no… you’re right. I did. Start from the beginning, cunt.  I got more frantic. I got yelled at more. I started sobbing. He didn’t hear the words I was saying. My words have changed and he didn’t even notice. Those tears were for me. When did I become this person? Why is this my life? 

I feel like I’ve just realized how damaged I really am. How do I even begin to pick up my pieces? 

To the men that have unintentionally caused this week of hell: The man who told me I shouldn’t leave my purse open at the bar. The 70ish year old veteran that I hugged and thanked for his service. The man that stared a little too long, recognizing me from school if I’m not mistaken. I know you didn’t mean to. How could you possibly know?

To the man who made me realize all of this: I hope I can do something with this. I hope I can find strength to walk away. I hope I can keep my promise to myself and seek counseling on Monday.